Taking It off Ala Ann

The other day I looked in my full length mirror, I noticed some fresh dimples on my ass and not a good kind of dimples but the early markings of COTTAGE CHEESE. How horrible!!! It made me want too cry. I had worked so hard after the birth of the boys to regain my petite girlish form. I will not stand by and look like those fat-assed soccer moms strapping their high rise asses in some X-Large lawn chair and sit around eating Cheetos.

I went out and found a personal trainer with his own gym. He is perfect for me. He has six pack abs, chiseled arms, and an ass that you could bounce a quarter off of. When I went down to check him out, he was working out and his body glistened with sweat like a Greek God. He was delighted to be of service and promised to get me back into shape in no time at all as he planned to ride me hard. (Sounds like my kind of workout.) He even has a small day care center at the Gym so I can take Billy Ray with me. I cannot begin to say how lucky I am to find my own personal fitness Adonis who is a living breathing almost carbon copy of David Hasselhoff.

Now for starting my diet. Breakfast is already covered as I never feel like eating after giving Pookie his morning blowjob and cum has only 5 calories per serving. But it means no mid-morning Twinkie break with little Billy Ray during Blue's Clues we will have to start eating fruits, which isn't all bad as I have been told that I have a way about eating bananas and it is always good exercise to tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue (Not that I need the practice. Just the exercise.) Lunchtime might be a bother as Speghetti-O's are surprisingly fattening but now due to the modern marvel of bagged salad, a healthy salad is convenient and just what the doctor ordered. Dinner will be a challenge with Pookie and two growing boys to feed but Pookie enjoys the taste of fish (heehee) and the boys need to learn the importance of eating healthy at a young age.

So it is started. I swear as God as my witness I will never be a fat-ass again!!! Wish me luck! I am off to find some Spandex after Church. Ta-Ta's for now!!!

A Night In The Hole: Part III

The next morning, I was led to a cell in the general population of the jail. I was also issued a standard jail issue jumpsuit. The cheap cotton blend jumpsuit in an unflattering color wasn't bad enough, I suppose, so they gave me one two sizes to large. Doing time is tough. The guard told me that I would be released as soon as some paperwork errors were corrected and a local outreach prison ministry would soon start if I wished to go.

I hadn't gone to church since my ouster from my old church and being thrown in jail offered me a chance to witness jailhouse religion first hand. Therefore, I eagerly accepted the offer. I traipsed in a single file line with my fellow down and outers, to the room where the services were held. The preacher had not arrived yet so a sat in my chair and tried to content myself with gazing at the surroundings and wondered if they could have picked a more dreary room for giving praise.

The preacher arrived and I was sooo shocked. He was a ruggedly handsome man with just the right amount of chiseled hardness to his face to be extremely sexy. He had dark soulful eyes and when he looked my way it seemed as if he saw right through the flesh and bone and glimpsed my soul. He was carrying a guitar case and when he opened the case and strarted playing, I knew that my faith had found a new teacher. His name was Brother Bob and he sang his entire sermon and then played a few of my old traditional favorites.

After the service, he asked if anyone needed one on one counseling to come to the front and he would talk to us. There was a partition screen set up at the front of the room where we could speak softly in reletive privacy. I had to speak to this charismatic man of God. When it was my turn to talk to him, I stepped behind the screen. I told him that I would love to talk to him more and enjoy his preaching when I got out of this hell hole. He told me the location of his church where he gave regular sermons. I explained to him that I was sorry that we had to meet in these circumstances and that I was normally much more presentable than this morning in this icky jail uniform. He then explained to me that we are all naked in God's eyes and that is the way he pictured all his parishioners in the female inmate ministry. Then he gave me a loving kiss and told me that he would be looking forward to seeing more of me in the future.

It is so miraculous the way faith works. I went from having a horrible night to having my faith renewed with this chance meeting. Maybe it is fate or even karma or the will of God. Ohh well, whatever it is I am happy. I was so elated that it didn't even bother me that much when the thick knuckled dyke guard slipped me her phone number and winked at me as she led me to my cell (Ewww.) Shortly thereafter, the paperwork came through and I was on my way with my Pookie who had bailed my ass out of jail.

Ta-Ta's for now!!!

30 facts about The Hoff

I just love David Hasselhoff! Big D said to spread the word and allowed me to repost it, so here it is. I will be back soon with the third part of that awful jail experience. Ta-Ta's for now :D Thanks Big D! You sweetie.

1.David Hasselhoff has slept with your mother and could be your father.
2.David Hasselhoff slept with every lifeguard on Baywatch.
3.David Hasselhoff slept with every lifeguard that worked for your town's pool.
4.There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet David Hasselhoff.
5.David Hasselhoff really invented Spandex.
6.David Hasselhoff invented condoms.
7.David Hasselhoff single handedly tore down the Berlin wall.
8.David Hasselhoff mother was a Banshee from Ireland.
9.David Hasselhoff can drink you under the table.
10.David Hasselhoff actually created German Death Metal.
11.David Hasselhoff was kicked out off NASCAR for being to bad ass.
12.David Hasselhoff can get you pregnant by just looking at you.
13.David Hasselhoff can travel back in time.
14.David Hasselhoff is the true "King" of Rock-N-Roll.
15.They based "The Terminator" off David Hasselhoff.
16.Merely touching a David Hasselhoff CD can get you laid by German supermodels.
17.David Hasselhoff voice is considered an aphrodisiac.
18.In Germany instead of history they teach about David Hasselhoff.
19.David Hasselhoff invented Hip Hop.
20.David Hasselhoff started the East Coast, West Coast war.
21.David Hasselhoff is a legend in the underground rap community.
22.David Hasselhoff would have kicked Hitlers ass.
23.David Hasselhoff is Odin's youngest son.
24.David Hasselhoff is not of any one nationality, but belongs to the world.
25.David Hasselhoff was kicked off the Kings of Comedy Tour for being too black.
26.David Hasselhoff was kicked off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour for being too redneck.
27.Harry Potter is really about David Hasselhoff life at school.
28.David Hasselhoff chest hair is actually magical.
29.David Hasselhoff will single handedly bring about world peace.
30.David Hasselhoff's video below is the greatest cinematic accomplishment ever!

A Night In The Hole: Part II

After the humiliation of the strip search, I was led to the drunk tank and without fanfare dumped in with my fellow dregs of humanity (that is how I truly felt). The drunk tank was filled with scary and hard looking women. Some sneered as I walked past them and some butchy ones whistled. I kept my head high and tried to show no fear but I was scared and lonely. I took a seat at the end of a long wooden bench trying to make myself as small and inconspicuous as possible. I have always heard such horror stories of what can happen to a person in jail and I was quite frightened out of my wits eventhough I did my best not to show it.

A rather large woman with short cut hair strolled my direction and took a seat next to me. She was a little scary looking. Besides being large, she had a tribal armband tattoo around her upper arm. I tried to make myself invisable but then she spoke to me. Politely I turned to her and was surprised as she had a very soft voice for a lage muscular woman. When I looked into her face, she had eyes filled with kindness.

She asked me if I had ever been in jail before and I replied that no I had never been and was scared because I had heard all kinds of stories about what could happen to a pretty petite girl in the big house. She told me to have no fear because she had spent some time in jails before and could show me the ropes and look out for me if only I stayed close to her.

We talked to the wee hours of the morning about life, loves, and trivial matters. We didn't really talk about what we happened to be thrown into jail for but maybe that is because I was really hitting it off with her and did not want to have that ruined in case she told me that she was an axe murderer or something similar (new friends can be hard to come by).

After awhile, I got very sleepy but was afraid of what could happen if I did. When I expressed my concerns to Big Liz, she told me not too worry. I could lay my head in her lap and sleep unafraid like a little angel. She was right for I whether it was the booze, the stress, or laying my head on her muscular thighs, I had the best sleep of my life. Hopefully I didn't bother her with my sleep problem. I don't think so because she looked well rested and content the next morning. Although I did have a very funny taste in my mouth but I guess that was just the hangover cottonmouth rearing it's ugly head.

I awoke to the sound of the guards clanging on the bars. They had us file up and handed through a disgusting sausage and egg biscuit or that is what it resembled. I tried to eat it but the greasy pork product and slimy reconstituted egg pressed between a low grade sawdust cake made me want to heave.

The guards called me up and told me that there was some problem in processing my paperwork and that it might be awhile and that they would have to book me into the general population for a short while until that could be fixed up and Pookie could bail me out.

As you could imagine, I was devastated and went back to cry on Big Liz's shoulder as I waited for the guards to come back and lead me to my new cell. I prayed that it would only be for a very short time. Big Liz said not to worry she would try to work something out so that I could cell with her. I didn't explain that I was going to get out as soon as the paperwork was complete. I felt that it would be better that way.

This is getting rather long winded but I will be back Friday with the conclusion of my stay in the callaboose. Ta-Ta's for now!!!

A Night In The Hole: Part I

Saturday Night started in grand style with Pookie taking me to a nice restaurant. We ordered a bottle of wine. Eventhough I like to drink, I haven't drank hardly anything since Pookie's office party; and we all know how that turned out. By the end of the meal and the bottom of the bottle, I was feeling no pain.

After dinner Pookie took me to a local honky tonk to scoot a boot and do a little belly rubbing. I think that I had just as many cocktails as dancing. I have always thought that liquor goes down better in a bar. I don't know if it is the atmosphere or something they put in the ice. All I know is it was yummy. Just when I was approaching that supremely happy glow, who did I see but my nemisis, Tessa the Tightass Bitch.

I thought that maybe she didn't see us and I could avoid her but like a bad penny turning up again. She spied us on the dance floor and waved at Pookie and strolled over to us. She asked me if I minded her cutting in and winked at Pookie. I don't know if it was stress or what but I snapped. But like my momma always said if you are going to fight, fight to win. And that means fighting dirty. I told her that there was no way that I was going to stand by while she danced with Pookie and she needed to get her skinny little ass trotting.

After the song ended, I sent Pookie to the bar to get us another drink. I saw the table where Tessa was sitting and talking to some of her uppity friends. Just as she let out one of her shreiking hyena laughs, I walked behind her and grabbed her by the hair on her head and slung her down to the ground.

The bouncers, who witnessed my fury just as I was about to lay my boots to this skank, grabbed me by my arms and escorted me out of the bar. Pookie tried to convince them to let him take me home but they explained that they had already called the police.

When the police arrived, I did not help my cause when I told them that I had friends in high places and they better watch their asses or I would have their badges. Drunkeness has always made me a bit cocky.

They took me down to the police station booked me and some dykey, thick knuckled officer gave me a strip search and a cavity search. I told her that I was no criminal and she could just back off on the orifice intrusion but the gung-ho bitch did it anyway. Oh well I just closed my eyes and went to my happy place and it wasn't too bad; in better circumstances it might have been enjoyable. Then I was escorted to the drunk tank.

That is all that I have time for today but I will be back in a couple of days with the next part of the story. Ta-Ta's for now.

Nice Dreams

This weeks appointment at the sleep clinic went well enough, I suppose. The clinic catered to sleep walkers, people suffering from sleep apnea, just plain snorers, and what I suffer from; sexual somnambulism. I checked in and took a seat close to the water cooler. Two nurses were at the cooler getting a drink of water, when I overheard them talking shop. I heard them refer to the section of the clinic where I was going to be seen as the 'sleep-n-fuck'. I had to cover my face with my hands as this made me giggle a bit and I didn't want the nurses to know that I was eavesdropping. I couldn't help but wonder if they called the doctor, Dr. Sleepenfucker.

The receptionist called me back and I was escorted to a room where I disrobed and put on the flimsy little hospital gown. After two hours of sitting around freezing my nipples off in this thin paper gown, the doctor arrived for his consultation. After a brief discussion of my problem, he said that prior to any testing, there were a few things that he could advise me to do to help alleviate the problem.

The first thing that he suggested was that I have sex or at least masterbate before going to sleep. I thanked him for the suggestion because that isn't a very tough remedy to take at all, but I told him that I did this already and it doesn't seem to matter at all. In fact after the best sex is when I sleep-fuck the most. He said that this was most intrigueing and a little alarming and it would take further testing. I was to come back the next day so they could hook me to their brain wave reader thingamabob ( I can't remember medical techie terms for shit) as I was sleeping and see what my brain was doing as I slept.

I stayed up late that night so that I would be able to take a good nap. Except for a couple of good movies on Cinemax, late night tv watching sucks. I could give two rips less about infomercials and cheesy late nite movies. After only a few hours sleep, I was as tired as hell and needed a nap. I dropped off Bobby John at Pre-K and Billy Ray at Sissy's and headed for the clinic again.

I was taken to a darkened room and stripped down into another one of those flimsy little gowns and electrogoop was spread here and there over my noggin and electrodes stuck to the electrogoo. I was then told to sleep away and the machine would read my brain waves as I slept.

When I awoke, I could see Dr. Sleepenfucker standing beside the table with his clothes rumpled and wearing a big grin. He said the test went well and a lot of data had been collected. He told me that he would look through the data and I was to come in next week for another consultation.

It seemed to me strange that although the electrodes were stuck to my head, it was my nipples and my coochie-snorcher that were sore from the testing and even more odd, my gown was no longer on me but crumpled on the floor. Oh well. By the way I am sooo excited Pookie is taking me for dinner and dancing tonight. We so rarely go out together. This should be fun. Ta-Ta's for now.

Tagged Damnit

Recently I was tagged by one of my dearest blogfriends, Dear Jane. Yippee, I have never been tagged before so I am super excited about it. Here goes.

Four Jobs that you have had in your life.
1) Candy Striper at a nursing home. Helping the elderly one dirty old man at a time.
2) Drive Thru Attendent at a fast food restaurant. I was fired for sharing the 'secret sauce'.
3) Worked in the lingerie department at a department store. I got tired of dressing and undressing modeling lingerie for men shopping for their wives and girlfriends. I suppose I was popular from word of mouth. LOL.
4) My favoritist job in the world a housewife and mommy to the sweetest family in the world :D

Four Places that you have ever lived
I have only lived in three places in my whole life and they are all in the metroplex. I lived with my parents in a trailer park in Fort Worth and then in a rent house when Pookie and I first got together and now in my present home. I guess I am not much of a traveler.

Four websites that you visit everyday
1) My little bloggy
2) New Posts on my blogroll. They are all either sooo sexxxy or sooo phunny.
3) 3Wishes.com. They have the sexiest lingerie and the sexxxiest models.
4) HGTV.com. They have everything that a mommy needs to know.

Four TV shows that you love to watch
1) Trading Spaces. That one was easy and why it's right there on my sidebar.
2) Snapped. (Ideas Anyone)
3) Real Sex on HBO. Sometimes sexy, sometimes icky, sometimes raunchy but always real.
4) Jerry Springer. A view of common people with common problems.

Four of your favorite foods
1) Buttered corn on the cob. For my favorite recipe you can check my post of September 29 in my archives.
2) Strawberries and cream. They are best served not in a bowl but on a lover.
3) Vanilla Ice Cream and Chocolate Syrup. YUUMMY
4) Spam and eggs. Because it reminds me of home in the trailer park. Comfort foods are important.

Four Albums that you can't live without (at least for now)
1) Snoop Dog - Doggy Style
2) The entire Britney Spears discograghy. I can't believe how people are sooo mean to her. Of course you get a little big when you have a bun in the oven. But she will bounce back just you wait and see.
3) The new Blink 182 c.d. The cover is sooo sexxxy! LMAO
4) Up with People. It is so inspiring.

Four Places that you would rather be
1) Vegas baby Vegas. Sin City and Me together are like Peanut Butter and Jelly. Sticky and Sweet.
2) Standing on a tropical beach with a warm breeze blowing through my hair and Pookie by my side.
3) In a Sultan's harem being massaged with exotic fragrant oils.
4) In a dungeon dressed in black leather whipping Tessa Tightass with a cat-o-nine tails.

Whew, that was tough. If anyone else wants to play go ahead but I am not going to tag anyone. I will be back tomorrow after my day at a sleep clinic that my doctor referred me to. Ohh Well, Ta-Ta's for now.

Things That Go Bump In The NIght

Today I made an appointment with my doctor. Pookie says that if I don't do something then he will just go crazy from lack of sleep. I am sure he is just miffed from my bitching him out about his gassy escapades the other night. However it is true that I have a bit of a sleeping problem. I suffer from sexual somnambulism or as Pookie and I like to call it, I am a sleep fucker.

He never has had a problem with waking up and being rode like a pony in the county fair before but as I mentioned he was probably trying to get back at me a little. I agreed to go to the doctor because it has been happening more frequently than it has in the past and I often wake up tired and sore. I guess I get a little to active or rough when doing it in my sleep.

Only on two occasions has it caused me any problems. The first time that it happened was on a sleepover at a friends house when I was in Junior High but I still will not take full blame that my friend went from being a bitchy cheerleader to a butchy gym teacher. I take great pains not to take naps in public ever since the time that I was napping on a plane ride. I awoke with my head in some strange man's lap. I looked up and he was rubbing my head with an awestruck look on his face like he was gazing into a crystal ball and seeing the winning lottery numbers.

Ohh well maybe the doctor can set me up with a sleep clinic or something. I will be sure to update you when I find out something. Ta-Ta's for now.

Gasser

Last night I woke from a deep slumber with a horrible stench in the air. I could not at first put my finger on the exact cause of this terrible odor. Just as I was about to get out of bed to find the cause of the odor, a powerful blast literally shook the bed. The blast came from Pookie's ass. Yes Pookie was sleep-farting. OMG, how NASTY. It was as if something had crawled up his ass and died. I tried to wake him but he was sleeping like the dead. Just as the smell receded somewhat another explosion rocked the bed sheets and the smell was even worse.

I had to get out of the room and sleep on the couch. This morning my back is stiff and I am mad as hell at the gross phucker. I have a good mind not to give him a morning bj for a week. I certainly won't this morning until he washes his nasty ass, from the smell he had to of shit himself. That is positively the last time that he gets to eat Mexican food before bedtime. Ta-Ta's for now!

The Final Prayer

Yesterday Pookie and the boys felt like going out for Pizza, I have been a little depressed so I stayed home. Shortly after they had left, I heard the doorbell ring. I felt the urge to just let it ring but after a few rings, I decided that I might as well answer the door.

It was Sherri coming over to give me the news of what had transpired after I left Sunday. She told me that the deacons and the elders had decided that they could not condone my unrepentant actions and had decided to revoke my membership to the church. Sherri then asked if we could say one last prayer together. We knelt upon the prayer rug and prayed for guidance on my spiritual journey.

After the last Amen, I looked up and gazed into Sherri's eyes and noticed the mist of a tear that she was holding back. I reached over and softly stroked her cheek and told her to not worry that I would be fine. As the teardrop fell I reached across and dried her eye. Then she leaned in for an embrace. The embrace led to a deep kiss. It was the type of kiss that lovers give each other when they know they must part and the remembrance of the kiss must last a lifetime.

We slowly undressed each other taking time to remember every nuance of our bodies from the hardening of our nipples to the smell of our musk to the taste of our sex. When we gave ourselves to one another, it was with abandon; a surging of emotion and pleasure that could never be forgotten.

From a deep kiss I journeyed from her mouth to the nape of her neck as I moved downwards a soft moan escaped her lips. As I gently moved down to her breasts and suckled her nipples the moans grew and when I tasted the sweet nectar of her mound, she thrashed wildly lost in ecstasy losing herself in the moment. As the waves of passion overtook her, she turned her attention to my pleasure and knowing my needs and desires as well as she did, she mixed the pleasure with pain. As she took one nipple into my mouth, she twisted upon the other. She alternately kissed and nipped her way down my stomach and reached my pussy devouring it. The pleasure grew and grew as I begged for release. At the point of my climax she slapped my ass and inserted her finger in my anus. I could take no more and flooded her face with my juices.

Afterwards we did not speak as if our actions meant more than mere words could ever express. I watched as she walked down the drive and got in her car. She waved as she drove away giving me her final goodbye. Just as she had rounded the corner out of my sight, Pookie and the boys drove up. Pookie looked upon my face and could see the traces of my sorrow. He asked me if everything was going to be alright. I simply folded into his strong arms knowing that all would be well in the end.

So the die is cast and my ties are broken, Now for good or ill, the journey begins. Ta-Ta's for now.

Losing My Religion

All through the last part of last week, I prayed and searched for signs concerning my decision. I was lost not knowing whether I should swallow my pride and forego my principles or should I just walk away from my church and seek religious guidance elsewhere. What had brought me to this?

The words from my friends on this little bloggy meant a lot. The comment that reminded me of how Jesus was misunderstood in his time too helped clear my mind a little but still I was at loss for a decision. Tessa had misrepresented my actions and now that lying bitch was attempting to get me thrown out of my spiritual home.

Sunday came but enlightenment had not struck me yet. Dressing and applying my make up with trembling hands, I got ready for Church. Pookie was a dear and dressed the boys. On the way to the church, I scanned everything searching for my sign and low and behold a sign came. Waiting at the stoplight for the light to turn green, I noticed two dogs surrounded by a bunch of other dogs. The male dog must have just finished ejaculating for he was hung up and being drug around by the female. The male dog was howling in what appeared to be pain. A man appeared, I suppose he was the owner of the property. He had a bucket of water and threw it on the couple. They then parted and the male dog ran away yapping with his tail between his legs.

I sat through the service with a smile on my face confident that the lord had sent me guidance. Although the decision would be tough, I must face my accusers with the faith of a martyr. The hymns sounded heavenly and the call to prayer and the Pastor's sermon on 'Being a Good Neighbor' were like words from a burning bush. Then the end came and the Pastor told the congregation that I would like to speak to them a few words.

I spoke simply,' I know that all of you have heard rumors of my happenings with Tessa Taylor at my husbands Office Party. I know that it is the word of Jesus to turn the other cheek but I am but a simple housewife. This tramp was and is trying to not only steal my husband but also any happiness that I have in the world. Do to me what you will but remember that judge not for you might be judged just as I and there is only one judge and we must also face him in the end.' Then I simply walked away with my head up high.

I do not know what will be in store for me now but I am glad that I could read the sign. The male dog represented me and the female dog represented the church and the man with the bucket of water represented God. God had to seperate me from the church because of the pain that it was bringing me and I had to leave in pain, knowing that I must go my seperate way.

I am soo excited to see what the future has in store. Ta-Ta's for now!