I have been looking for a new church since I no longer go to Brother Bob's. And I did not want to miss church on Easter Sunday. I was able to convince Pookie to go since it was a holiday. So I thought we would give the big old church downtown a try. It had a sign all week saying "ALL ARE WELCOME EASTER SUNDAY". When we got there the place was already packed. The only place to sit was a pew in the middle of the church. The ends of the pew were full. But the middle only had one old man sitting there. So we said "Excuse us" about 20 times and side stepped our way with a few near trips, to make it to the empty space. I sat down next to the old man and he gave me a big smile. He told me how nice it was to see such a nice young family there. I thanked him and wished him a Happy Easter. Then the choir started to sing to signal the service was about to start. I looked around and saw that the church was mainly filled with old people. There were very few children. And the children who were there were sitting still like little zombies. Unlike my boys on a sugar high, already kicking the pew in front of us. There was a old woman in front of me slightly blocking my view. She had a big, silvery blue, bee hive hair- do. It was hairsprayed super stiff and looked like it had a few nats stuck in it. She was with a little bald old man who barely reached her shoulders.I guessed he was her husband. The place just had a bad old people smell. And I was already thinking that this was not the church for me. I just had to make it through this service. The preacher came out and started his sermon. And I then discovered why the nice old man was sitting next to me had such a wide open space around him. He had horrible gas the whole service! It was just awful! Soon Bobby John started whispering to me he had to pee. I told him to hold it a few times but he kept insisting he had to go. As much as I wanted to let him get up and go, so we could maybe leave, I didn't want to. It would have been to much hassel and a disturbance to get up and get passed everyone. He would not stop begging to go pee. So I took Billy Ray's blankie and draped it over Bobby John's lap. I then put Bobby's empty juice cup under the blanket and told him to hurry up and pee in the cup. He peed really quick and I screwed the lid back on. I do not think anyone saw. No one was near us but the old man who was asleep with his eyes open, leaving his silent but deadly gas. When the sermon was finally over we tried to leave as quickly as possible without getting stuck in any polite chatter. Plus I wanted to get rid of the cup of pee I was carrying. Bobby John was happy to be up and done with church and was super hyper. He was running little circles around me. When we were exiting the church going down the stairs, the lady with the bee hive was in front of us and started to light a cigerette. Bobby John was still running around like a little crack addict. He bumped into her and just as I was about to tell her I was sorry, her hair went up in flames! Everyone frooze as they screamed and watched the lady's head go up in flames. Her little husband started to panic and he looked around stuttering. He then saw the cup in my hand and grabbed it. Before I could tell him anything he took off the lid and poured it on his flaming wife's head. The flames went out with a bit of a sizzle and alot of smoke. Oh the smell was awful! Burnt hair and pee! And then everyone was silent and started at the woman to see if she was okay. I was praying that no one would realize the woman just had pee thrown on her head. I took Billy Ray's blanket and wrapped it around her head. Then others started to help and offer their assistance to her. So while we could we slipped away while no one would notice! I am so glad we did not sign the guestbook. Toodles!